People scare me. They change their minds so quick. One moment it’s “I love you” and “you make me happy” and the next it’s “I’m not sure anymore” and “this isn’t what I want”
Lemme tell you about my “bf”.
My bf is the best damn person on this earth.
My bf is the most supportive person in my life.
My bf is down for me no matter what. NO MATTER WHAT.
My bf has the prettiest brown eyes you ever seen in your life!
My bf is a gentlemen. Straight outta a romance novel, I’m tellin you.
My bf makes my face hurt from laughing and smiling so damn much.
My bf fucking BEATS IT UP.
My bf has such a big heart, and such a good soul.
My bf hogs the fucking bed.
My bf never goes to bed without telling me how much he loves me and how much I mean to him.
My bf laughs at my farts.
My bf is going to make a great father to my children.
My bf is a hard working man.
My bf always smells nice.
My bf can cook.
My bf has been through hell and back, but he knows how to laugh at the shit life throws at him.
My bf is the most honest person I’ve ever met.
My bf laughs at my bad jokes.
My bf will then tell me said joke was bad.
My bf wears dresses sometimes, and I think he secretly likes it.
My bf will hold my hand, even though we are arguing.
My bf knows when my moods aren’t a direct result of him, and he understands.
My bf is the real MVP.
My bf is my bff.
Once I worked as an intern in the state capital. One of the representatives I worked for was this middle-aged guy. And he hated the tampon and napkin machines in the women’s bathrooms. Hated them. He insisted that they weren’t necessary.
I found out why after I’d been working there, oh, about a month. My period started suddenly, as it sometimes does, and I asked to excuse myself to go to the ladies’ room. He wanted to know why. I told him.
He started ranting about how lazy women were. How we wasted time. How we were so careless and unhygenic, and that there was no call for that. He finished by telling me that I certainly was NOT going to the ladies’ room and that I was just going to sit there and work. He finished this off with a decisive nod, as if I’d just been told and there could be no possible argument.
“If I don’t go,” I said in an overly patient tone, “the blood is going to soak through my pants, stain my new skirt that I just bought, and possibly get on this chair I’m sitting in. I need something to soak up the blood. That’s why I need to go to the bathroom.”
His face turned oatmeal-gray; an expression of pure horror spread across his face. He leaned forward and whispered, “Wait, you mean that if you don’t go, you’ll just keep on bleeding? I thought that women could turn it off any time that they wanted!”
I thought, You have got to be kidding.
Several horrified whispers later, I learned that he wasn’t. He actually thought a) that women could shut down the menstrual cycle at will, b) that we essentially picked a week per month to spend more time in the bathroom, i.e. to goof off, and c) that napkins and tampons were sex toys paid for by Health and Human Services. I didn’t know the term then, but he believed that tampons were dildos. Which was why he and a good number of his friends considered them luxuries.
And that’s how, at twenty, I had to give a talk on menstruation to a middle-aged married state representative who was one of my bosses. American politics, ladies and gentlemen.
You wake up from an one night stand with Sharon that you met from tinder. She’s classy and amazing, and said that she was going to make you breakfast. You get dressed and walk out to the dining table, and Jonah hill is sitting there with a cup of orange juice.
I want to find someone as weird as me. The type of person to get hyped and geeky over the things they love. I want to be able to dance and sing loudly when our favourite song comes on. I want us to bicker over every little thing and forget about it 10 seconds later. I want some who isn’t afraid of laughing and embarrassing themselves. I want someone who wants adventure as much as me and isn’t scared to try new things and face their fears. I want someone that knows we wont be together forever, but will try anyway.
